‘I can’t remove the stain,’ said Tseren as we sat chatting over coffee. Her unexpected comment, in the middle of a conversation about the price of apartments in Ulaanbaatar, silenced me. We’ve known one another for over twenty-five years and Tseren has spent much of that time struggling to be what she considers a worthy Christian. ‘I am not good enough,’ she continued. ‘I can’t live up to God’s standard. And the longer I’m a Christian the worse the inner torment becomes. I can no longer hide who I am.’

This conversation, or ones like it, tend to underscore a recurring theme amongst our friends. Outwardly, Mongolians like to present themselves in a favourable light. They do not wish to reveal who they are on the inside for fear that such revelation will cause others to revile and shun them. Hidden transgressions and deceit remain sheltered in hardening hearts until their diminishing effects overtake a person’s identity.

Of course, these fears and actions are not exclusive to Mongolians, but endemic to man. None of us wants our unredeemed humanity exposed. Like Tseren we may try to be a good person, by trying to live according to our own consciences or the world’s standards. Neither of which are reliable as a true standard or able to address the real root of our guilt and shame.

But we have a choice. We can choose to live differently by being vulnerable to God. We’ve a coined a phrase in our house, which I am certain is not original to us: ‘Happy are those who know they are not righteous and know what to do about it.’

Admittedly, it takes determination to break the proud silence that causes me to reject God’s grace as I rationalise, twist and disguise the truth of my sin. But there is no wriggle room. There is only one way out. I must speak.

Confessing my wrong to God articulates my faith: I am a sinner and God is gracious. Words tumble from my lips, scarcely reaching His ear before I sense the stain disappears and the accusing voices are vanquished. Forgiveness has come. Not because there was any virtue in my confession but simply because of the extravagant love of my Saviour.

Ready to walk with Him again, I affirm my desire to live holy before God and man but as Tseren correctly understood I won’t be able to. Self gets in the way. My own efforts to be right, to feel worthy fail every time. But God already knew that.

There is only one way to live by God’s standard and that comes through the cry of repentance which reminds me of the cost of my salvation. God’s son, Jesus Christ, took all my wrongs when he bore the sin of the world. He hung naked and uncovered before man and His Father so that I might be pardoned, forgiven, cleansed and covered.

It is a simple, unchanging gospel truth that becomes more profound and meaningful the longer I walk with God. And, as Tseren points out, knowing that God has done what we could not do, in giving us the way to be clean and right with Him and one another brings, a liberating freedom that man cannot achieve. Because Jesus paid my debt, God accepts me as I am and that truth is revolutionising my life.

© copyright Gillian Newham 2021