It’s interesting the things in Britain which, on the surface, appear different to Asian life. Sentences like ‘I choose who I want to be’, or ‘I will make my own future and choices’, seem commonplace sentiments amongst many in the west. While I understand the thinking, I am not sure I agree with the actuality of such words.

Perhaps it’s because I’ve seen another culture and context where people intuitively know that the decisions others make influence and shape who they become. Admittedly, some Mongolians are starting to follow western thinking. Some think nomads are individualistic, but the reality is that nomads’ beliefs and worldview are moulded by their relationships with family, community and tradition.

The west might prize individuality and the desire to direct our own lives, yet I think the truth here is the same as in Mongolia. Our lives are shaped by our relationships and the community we live in, essentially because God created us to be in community and to grow in fellowship with one another.

Of course, we frequently become disappointed in and disillusioned by others, or our friendships are simply marred by our own expectations. As I ask what prevents us from dwelling content in friendship and fellowship with one another, I find the question turns first to me and my own heart. What is it that prevents me from dwelling content in this new and different community? Quietly waiting, a string of thoughts flow into my mind. Feeling snubbed and offended, I’ve wanted to manage when I cannot, and control what is beyond my ability to control.  

Thankfully God, gracious and kind, reminds me not to focus on myself. Rather, He encourages me to lose my independence and let my eye rest on the needs of another. Faltering in my steps, I try to appreciate the one in front of me and, gently, a shift occurs in my heart as a connection with another is formed. In laying down and letting go of my desire to control my own life, I receive grace. Thankfulness rises within me, followed by a joy that remains. I understand I have an obligation, without restraint, to allow love for God and for another to reign in my heart. It is one step forward, but it feels like I’ve experienced a small, life-changing resurrection.  

God has put me right with Him and right with those around me. From that flows a unity and oneness. My desire to hold onto my identity brought loneliness and isolation, but in surrendering myself to God, I see the enormity of His love and my value to Him. I also become aware that He is the One taking care of the circumstances of my life.

The temptation to imagine that I can control my life still lurks, but each day I am learning to entrust myself into His hands. As I do, He gives more grace; grace that anchors me more securely into God. I am part of His church, a community that is filled with different people, who seek to respect and honour each other. We are united in Christ, interdependent, shaped by God and one another. Together, we are more wholly becoming the people God created us to be.

© copyright Gillian Newham 2024

‘I want to follow Jesus.’ It’s a statement I make periodically when I’m chatting with Christians or non-Christians. Often people make no response to my statement, bar the rise of an eyebrow. I imagine they think, “Isn’t that obvious? She’s a Christian, why wouldn’t she want to follow Jesus?”

Of course that is true, but I also know both my own heart a little and the subtle whisperings that enter my mind when life gets tough. In those moments, the urge to walk away, and not have to face the pain of change and heartache, is strong.

Yet God never gives grants me permission to walk away. Even when I feel battered, alone and like He’s become distant, still He holds me where I am. Caught up with my own struggles and worries, I am prone to begin a search to recapture peace, a sense of normality and my equilibrium, but it does not come.

Outwardly, I’d do all the right things, read my Bible, pray and go to church, while inside the feelings of disconnect that cause me to question God’s presence, continue. But He is gracious and kind. While my mind goes around in circles, seemingly revisiting the same lessons repeatedly, God bears with me, understanding all the loss and bereavement I’ve experienced.

Stilling my mind to stop the flow of words and thoughts takes time and, even then, I battle the temptation not to fill the quietness with words or actions. He knows me so well. He comes, doing what I cannot do, He brings my mind to a place of rest. Slowly the mist begins to clear, and my thoughts become less chaotic.

All the time, I realise my heart has been calling out to Him. I long for Him, He is my desire. All the time, He has been and is reaching out and seeking to be known. Lifting my burdens, He calms my heart enough to focus on Him fully. Yes, God knows me well, and there is comfort and confidence in this truth.

I mouth a simple prayer of thanksgiving. I am in His presence. It is unexpected, He has met me in my world, revealed Himself in my surroundings and spoken to me in the deepest place of my heart. I don’t just want to be attentive in this moment, but through prayer, discern the presence of God and His leading in my life each day. I surrender to His love not with a sense of obligation but with devotion that desires to love Him more and choose His will over mine. ‘Help me Lord,’ I cry, because, despite my weaknesses, I truly want to follow Jesus.

© copyright Gillian Newham 2024

When God spoke to Abraham instructing him to leave his home and go to a place that God would later show him, Abraham went. It’s a story I’ve read a thousand times, yet still I marvel at Abraham’s faith and trust in God. So often when God asks me to take a step of faith, I do it but then find myself hankering for more detail, which God rarely, if ever, gives. Instead, His call is for us to walk by faith with His son.

Walking a new, uncharted path is naturally unfamiliar and uncomfortable. There are still moments when God seems absent, and I wonder what He is doing. At such times, I cry to Him for help, reminding myself that I need to seek to discern His presence in places where I do not expect Him to be. Maybe this is basic, but for me it is an ongoing deepening of truth learned. Slowly my befuddled thoughts and fears clear, as I realise that I don’t always understand the discipline of keeping my eyes on God. Thankfully, He brings me to my senses, enabling me to trust Him as He continues shaping my life.

My prayer always brings the simplest, most fundamental truth to my heart: I am loved by God. I am anchored in Him. Striving ceases and I relax, allowing His Spirit to enable me to become attentive to His presence.

Graciously, God illuminates the ways in which I have been living outside His will. Unconsciously, definition of who I am came to depend on what I did and the possessions I had. Now that they are gone, I’ve felt lost. I’ve told God, but He has been silent to my petitions. I implored Him; surely, I was best placed to determine what would lead to my happiness. But I was wrong!

Then His love begins to overshadow my imperfections and imperfect love for Him. Frustrations and impatience abate. My gaze is no longer fastened on myself, my shortcomings or my surroundings.

God reminds me that my identity or contentment is not based on what I have or don’t have, where I live or don’t, or even what others think of me. Who I am and what I do is only truly fulfilled in a growing relationship with Him. God’s salvation is at work in me, making whole what is broken. He is redeeming and reforming my heart and mind, allowing me to be more the person He designed me to be. How important it is to know Him, but also to know myself, my weaknesses, vulnerabilities and my utter need of Him.

This journey is slow. I get impatient! Why aren’t things clear? And God in his infinite wisdom poses questions, ‘Do you trust me? Will you walk with me?’  He has had to ask me the same questions many times. Despite my stumbling, I know there is only one answer: Yes! Nothing else matters, true fulfilment is found in Him alone. He seeks me, my heart is open, I desire to know Him more deeply. This desire is the result of His Spirit at work in me. I begin afresh to see His heart for others, and I answer, ‘Lord, give me grace to follow.’

© copyright Gillian Newham 2024