Whenever I broach a new idea or suggest something different to my husband, Mark, it is likely that his immediate reply will be ‘No’, particularly if I catch him in an unguarded moment. After some thought his ‘No’ usually turns to a ‘Maybe’, but it certainly takes a while before his ‘Maybe’ becomes ‘Yes’.

We laugh at his predictability and joke about his resistance to new ideas and change. Yet, as I tease Mark, I realise that I am no different. Something in me also resists change. Taking a moment to reflect why this should be, I realise that my reasoning is not clear cut. Part of me wants to move forward, while part of me would rather things remain as they are.

It feels like a tug-of-war, a dichotomy which I don’t find easy to navigate. Is my oscillation just fickleness, or is there more to it than that? I cry to God and begin to sense that my resistance is real. I do want to embrace change, to be growing, particularly as a Christian. Yet I wrestle. Thoughts rumble through my mind until I see and can admit that I have expectations; expectations that change should fit neatly into my familiar framework.

But it will not! Reality dawns: I have viewed change through a lens I didn’t even know existed and that lens interprets what I perceive will happen. The lens, shaped by my past experiences and environment, distorts my expectations. Change, by its very nature, will alter life. Even though it may be foisted upon me, I can resist it or I can allow it to enter my life, but I cannot corral or control it.

The choice is mine, God will not force me forward. Ambivalent with conflicting desires, I squirm and complain. My discomfort and anxiety, even the fear I encounter in the face of the change I want to embrace, somehow cajoles me out of my inertia. This distress and vulnerability seem necessary to battling my resistance.

I call on God for help to overcome this fear of the unknown. He comes, supplying me with courage by the power of His Spirit. With my eyes focused on Him, I begin to adjust and settle, accepting that life and its circumstances are different to my expectations. As I relax and resistance dissipates, I find I can accept change. Through it I become more myself, more the person God created me to be. Calling me forward, He deepens my love for Him and those around me. Daily life is not smooth, it is bumpy with struggles which I still do not fully understand. But I recognise that wrestling is part of the pattern of life, prayer and growth.

© copyright Gillian Newham 2025