‘I want to follow Jesus.’ It’s a statement I make periodically when I’m chatting with Christians or non-Christians. Often people make no response to my statement, bar the rise of an eyebrow. I imagine they think, “Isn’t that obvious? She’s a Christian, why wouldn’t she want to follow Jesus?”
Of course that is true, but I also know both my own heart a little and the subtle whisperings that enter my mind when life gets tough. In those moments, the urge to walk away, and not have to face the pain of change and heartache, is strong.
Yet God never gives grants me permission to walk away. Even when I feel battered, alone and like He’s become distant, still He holds me where I am. Caught up with my own struggles and worries, I am prone to begin a search to recapture peace, a sense of normality and my equilibrium, but it does not come.
Outwardly, I’d do all the right things, read my Bible, pray and go to church, while inside the feelings of disconnect that cause me to question God’s presence, continue. But He is gracious and kind. While my mind goes around in circles, seemingly revisiting the same lessons repeatedly, God bears with me, understanding all the loss and bereavement I’ve experienced.
Stilling my mind to stop the flow of words and thoughts takes time and, even then, I battle the temptation not to fill the quietness with words or actions. He knows me so well. He comes, doing what I cannot do, He brings my mind to a place of rest. Slowly the mist begins to clear, and my thoughts become less chaotic.
All the time, I realise my heart has been calling out to Him. I long for Him, He is my desire. All the time, He has been and is reaching out and seeking to be known. Lifting my burdens, He calms my heart enough to focus on Him fully. Yes, God knows me well, and there is comfort and confidence in this truth.
I mouth a simple prayer of thanksgiving. I am in His presence. It is unexpected, He has met me in my world, revealed Himself in my surroundings and spoken to me in the deepest place of my heart. I don’t just want to be attentive in this moment, but through prayer, discern the presence of God and His leading in my life each day. I surrender to His love not with a sense of obligation but with devotion that desires to love Him more and choose His will over mine. ‘Help me Lord,’ I cry, because, despite my weaknesses, I truly want to follow Jesus.
© copyright Gillian Newham 2024
Nomadic Pages 
I hear you here, Gill. But it is in these moments that I begin to feel really safe because, as you mentioned, He knows us so well. His Love is unfailing and I long to love that way–less demanding, less impatient, more smiles, more gentle. It’s not that I want to just “feel” Him near, satifying an emotional need (although that’s so wonderful when I do “feel” Him near!) But there is a sensing Him near that’s real and fills more than an emotional hole. That is pure Shalom!! You expressed it well. I miss you and Mark, miss knowing how you are and what’s happening. I always learn more when I see the Lord in you two. God blesses me that way. Love, Sandra
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