Head down and gritting my teeth, I walk in this way of change. Letting go of the familiar, the obvious and seemingly secure life we’ve come to know, leaves me sad and anxious. Where is God leading us exactly and what will it look like? I wish I could answer those questions clearly. My stomach knots, reminding me, if I needed reminding, that this path is uncomfortable. Friends are kind, but some raise their eyebrows when they hear our fuzzy answers or lack of clarity, leaving me wondering whether they think we have abandoned reason.

              We have been here before, but this time feels different. Walking with the uncertainties, we are in a strange place of limbo where it’s difficult to discern the next step, let alone the future. Everything feels woolly, undetermined and ambiguous. My list of adjectives to describe our current state is long.

              In no uncertain terms I voice my struggles. This is more than I can cope with. Surely God, you are asking too much of me. A prompt rebuke follows: my focus has been on the situation and my emotions rather than Jesus. Amid the turmoil, I make a deliberate decision. Remembering who He is and what I’ve already experienced of Him and His love, I choose to put my confidence in Him and His character.

              But that’s not the end of it. Doubts still niggle as I plead my inadequacies. I am not qualified to walk this way. Doesn’t He know that His call exceeds my capacities? Whining makes no difference, other than to exact further rebukes that my grumbles, if allowed to take root, leave me in danger of avoiding life at God’s best.

              I stop and direct my thoughts towards God. His peace fills my heart as I return to the simple and yet challenging habit of fixing my mind on His truth. In the stillness, His Word fills my mind. Turning it over again and again, the Word begins to speak, gently assuring me that He is with me in the enigmas of this journey.

Friends surround us who have daring confidence in God. Many are risk takers who don’t always think about the consequences of their decisions. Some decisions work out, while others go spectacularly wrong. Largely, the Mongolians pick themselves up and carry on, sensing that God will cover their mistakes, that He will work everything out and there will be blessing.

Often, they are right and their lives articulate a message to us: Blessings come from taking steps which, at the time, feel frightening. Sudden God-directed moves towards the unknown without a clearly defined plan are life changing and enriching. Taking one step, we begin to discern God at work in the moment. Eagerly, we await His next direction, only to realise that His promise to walk with us is actually all that we need. He keeps us today and all the days that follow.

© copyright Gillian Newham 2023