‘See if you agree with the notice in the toilet,’ said the friend I was meeting for coffee in Liverpool. I ventured into the café’s ladies’ toilets. The notice, stuck on the wall next to the light switch, read something like: Whatever happens today, within myself I have the strength and ability to deal with everything. I know that phrase was meant to encourage and give confidence to those who were struggling, but it didn’t work for me. I looked in the mirror, exhausted, emotions scattered, aware of my fears and the discs in my back that refused to stay in line and smiled. I alone have the ability to deal with all that life throws at me? No way!

Once, my bold young self might have agreed with that statement. I remember arriving in Mongolia full of assurance and determination – thinking I had the answers to people’s problems. It took a while to realise that God had already been working there long before we arrived on the scene and actually didn’t require my help.

Subtly, I boasted in the glories of what I had done, rather than what God was doing. Bragging about the dogma of my pet Bible beliefs, I remained ignorant of the realities of God’s truth. I measured my value by my performance, unaware that yet-to-be-sanctified parts of my nature remained firmly squeezed into the world’s mould.

Thankfully, trouble and failure halted me and illuminated my misplaced faith. They enabled me to face my inadequacies, realise my need for others and face my absolute need of God. Less sure about everything, I accepted the truth that I was still a beginner and am still just catching the edges of His ways.

Physical and emotional weakness is part of my life experience. Admission of such to God qualifies me to receive His ongoing love and salvation. These genuine experiences of His love do not elevate self, rather they display my insufficiency and God’s power. Everyone knows my frailties but, if they see something of God in me, or hear His Word from my mouth, then they realise that He chooses to use frail vessels. Not that I glory in my fragility. There is no glory there, but there is glory in the abundant adequacy of Christ.

It is a paradox: When I am weak then I am strong. Not knowing what to do or how to help myself or another, I call out to God, asking Him for wisdom and strength, which He gives. I have no confidence in my own wisdom, no trust in my own opinions; for that I am learning to rely on another. Dependency upon Him is God’s objective. True, I am an unworthy servant, but I am also a beloved child of my heavenly Father. His Spirit, who resides in this cracked pot, enables me to face each day knowing that He will keep me steady.

© copyright Gillian Newham 2023