She stood before me, a friend in her late forties who had just disclosed a secret. Her eyes darted left and right, uncertainty and fear clouding her face as panic flared. I’ve seen it before, experienced it myself. It happens in life, happens amongst Christians, that moment when, unnerved, I anxiously wonder whether I’ve said too much and others have seen the real me.

A brief time away from Mongolia causes me to think and reflect on this phenomenon. It’s a subject I’ve returned to time and again because the society I live in believes good people do good things and bad people well….

Unspoken standards exist. Expectations are in place and people largely make every effort to conform. But, frequently, disappointments follow as the standards and ideals remain unreached, even unattainable. Failure can bring sadness, the collapse of hope and even a brutal torrent of shame.

We’ve seen and experienced it all and notice, as Christians, that the sense of defeat can heighten awareness of our shortcomings and sin, causing us to cry, ‘I am not good enough.’ Saying the words out loud sounds ridiculous. We know the truth! We are worthy to come before God, not because of who we are or what we have done, but because of the work of Christ. But this attack is subtle, whispered in low, indistinct tones, grinding away in the background.

‘God will accept me if I do what He says.’ But I cannot. It is too demanding, too radical. Truth is: I am trying to make myself acceptable to Him. This is placing the gospel back to front. Jesus says, ‘Come to me and I will forgive you. In me, you are acceptable to God.’ Ignoring His words, My eyes’ focus was on myself, not Him.

How can I expect to fulfil His commands unless I raise my eyes away from self? I must give up trying to be acceptable and accept that I am already acceptable to Him. Over and over, I seemingly have to relearn this basic truth. His commands are easy, fit for me and not beyond my reach. They are close but I must lay hold of them. I must love Him, allowing Him to expand my heart to trust and abide in Him and not be afraid.

This and more is what God created me for. Easing my hand open to let my life go to Him, paradoxically, brings a sense of security and safety. I relax, comfortable with who I am, finding that I really can be the person He created me to be. God gives me the ability too, to love others, to meet and enjoy them as they are, without any knots in my stomach. This is both natural and real, because I am learning to recognise that in my weaknesses there is no fear. God has redeemed, forgiven, restored and healed me. Failure is no longer crushing, neither are my hopes devastated. Dependent on Him, I find the real source of my strength and peace.

© copyright Gillian Newham 2023