‘Self-forgetting humility,’ a phrase that C.S. Lewis used in Mere Christianity, bother me. It has got under my skin, niggling away at me when my focus shifts to ‘self’, which sadly seems quite often.

Recently Mark and I were guests at a conference. As this was the first conference since the lifting of all covid restrictions there was a desire to make this a special time for everyone. Great care had gone into the planning, schedule and choice of venue so that all could enjoy.

However, just prior to the conference, the leaders learned that the Retreat centre’s heating system had broken down and was not easily repairable. In a moment, all those careful plans disintegrated. Hastily, the leaders put a new schedule together and the weekend went ahead, although one of the planning team was distraught. Having worked diligently to have everything in place to make the weekend a success, he felt like he had failed. The weight on his shoulders was crushing.

Watching his distress, although not fully aware of his feelings, my own heart’s frailties flooded into my mind. How many times have I been equally crushed, when ‘self’ confidently believes the illusion that I could successfully organise life, even my own life. Inadequacy fills me, leaving me hurt and hollow on the inside, comparing my shortcomings and failures with the perceived successes of others. My tangled mind believes the only answer is to do more, to try harder. But I am always disappointed and have never once lived up to my own, or other people’s, standards.

How do I grow beyond this? What do I have to do, especially when I live in a culture that applauds efforts to be good, yet I cannot make myself worthy. My efforts are futile. Placing my confidence in ‘self’ is as foolish as hoping in the sturdiness of a balloon. Sooner or later, it will burst.

Finally, I speak to myself, ‘Forget trying to nurture ‘self’, with its pernicious focus. Redirect your eyes to the One who loves you and accepts you totally, in whom there is no condemnation.’

The truth focuses me. Another took the judgement I deserve and the verdict has already been announced. The One whose opinion truly matters counts me precious. I have no need to justify myself, or even to try feeling better about myself. I must simply let myself become preoccupied with another – Jesus.

But I am still learning. This is a different mindset; no, a different identity! Work and ministry are no longer about me. Whether at home or church, in the city or the countryside, I must relive the truth of the gospel, reminding myself of what He has done for me, for us. Perhaps this is the essence of self-forgetting humility: in looking to Him and those around me, ‘self’ begins to fade and I slowly learn to appreciate who He is and what He is doing in this world.

© copyright Gillian Newham 2022